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Fant4stic
(We are shown the 2017 NC opening. After that, we cut to the Critic in the backstage of his studio, going through a cabinet. After tossing away some junk, he comes across his superhero mask from when he, Malcolm, and Tamara were the The Adequately Impressive Three. He then walks in on Malcolm and Tamara, just sitting on the couch, flipping through the TV) NC: Hey, guys, remember when we were a superhero team? Malcolm: Surprisingly, no. Tamara: Yeah, you'd think we'd remember something like that. NC: You mean you have no recollection when a meteor smashed into Earth... NC (vo): (clips are shown as he narrates) ...''gave us incredible powes, forming the trio of the Adequately Impressive Three and then we just sat around watching ''Daredevil on Netflix? Malcolm: Oh, yeah! Tamara: The clips helped us remember. NC: Why didn't we do anything after that? Malcolm: Well, we did have that unpleasant encounter with the Silver Surfer. (Clip shows Malcolm and Tamara playing a Silver Surfer video game) Tamara: Yeah, but that was so bad, that everyone forgot it. NC: As they should. But maybe we'd forgotten what it means to be superheroes. Tamara: What do you mean? NC: What if we did it again? What if we brought back the Adequately Impressive Three, only this time, we did it right? Malcolm: How? (Clips are shown of NC, Malcolm, and Tamara wearing black as dark, epic music plays in the background) NC: We'll be darker, grittier, and more realistic. Which, as we all know, immediately equals better. No more Pixelator, Clobbererer, or Sparky Sparky Boom Man. Together, we shall be Malcolm, Tamara, and Nostalgia Critic! Tamara: Wait, what happened to our superhero names? NC: We're too edgy for that. We don't need them anymore. And together, we shall become... (The screen then cuts to black as the title "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR3SSIV3 THR33" fades in along with a large "3," and epic music, clearly pardoying the "Fant4stic" title) Malcolm: Oh, I see, let the title display our name so we wouldn't have to say it out loud. NC: Exactly! Tamara: That's really embracing our brand with pride. NC: And enough of this bright, colorful background... (NC crosses his arms, nods his head, and the vector background vanishes into a mere dark room) Tamara: Hey, we're in a dark room. NC: Our lives are a dark room. One...big...dark room. Malcolm: My God, Critic, this is so different. What are we gonna do with the new us? NC: This time, we're gonna get it right...we're gonna sit around and watch Jessica Jones on Netflix! (Once again, the Three are just sitting around like jackasses watching Netflix, just like before) Voice: Is this a metaphor for something? (Rob Walker comes in) Rob: How are you guys still not fighting crime?! NC: Quiet, Rob! Can't you see we're brooding? (NC, Tamara, and Malcolm lower their heads into their arms) Rob: But you're doing the same thing you did last time! Malcolm: No, we're doing it in a darker room! (NC claps his hands twice for the room's lights to dim, as they brood again) Rob: Look, just because... (Frustrated, he turns the lights back on, freaking out the three) Rob: ...just because you're doing the same thing in a dark room does not mean you're not doing the same thing! NC: Of course it does! (NC turns the lights back off as they brood again) Tamara: Being dark and unpleasant always equals more sophisticated and faithful. Malcolm: Just look at the source material! (Photo shown of the first Fantastic Four comic by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee is shown, looking very bright and colorful with major action in the streets against a giant monster) Malcolm: Doesn't that just scream dark rooms and gritty realism? NC: I think somebody needs to read a comic. (Rob turns the lights back on, as the three hiss at the light) Rob: Let me guess, you just saw the last cinematic version of Fantastic Four? NC: No, we just saw the last cinematic version of "Fant-4-stic!" (NC turns the lights back off to brood again as the title for ''Fantastic Four pops up followed by clips of the film)'' NC (vo): Fox's disasterous reboot of the Fantastic Four franchise was not only a critical, audience, and box office portal of suck, but even the director expressed his disappointment on his Twitter before the film came out! (A photo of Josh Trank's infamous tweet claiming he has a better version of the film that will never be seen is shown) NC (vo): Man, there's "ouch," and then there's... (Gunshot sound is heard) NC (vo): This would be the fourth time the Fantastic Four was botched cinematically. And it's sad that with such an impressive amount of failures, the most accurate representation of the Fantastic Four is this one. (Clip of the infamous unreleased low-budget ''Fantastic Four ''film by Roger Corman is shown) Thing: What kind of a thing have I turned into?! What have you done?! What have you done?! NC (vo): Yeah, they get that bad. (Nostalgia Critic returns in his regular getup to sit to start his review) NC: So, while you focus on what's most important, perfecting your brooding pose... (Malcolm and Tamara presume their poses as an annoyed Rob sits between them) Rob: Get off me! NC: ...I'll start the review. This is... (claps off the lights) Fantastic Four. NC (vo): The film opens with the Fox logo flashing the letter F similar to how they flashed the letter X before the X-Men films. NC: Honestly, if you wanna give us any assurance, you should flash this. (Fox logo flashes "WE GOT DEADPOOL RIGHT!" followed by an "EVENTUALLY") NC: (vo): '''We see a young Reed Richards getting distracted by his scientific ideas at school. Don't you know? American high schools where ideas go to die! '''Reed's Teacher: '''Earth to Richards? '''Kid: (makes static sound) ''Pick me up, Scotty! ''(Class laughs) NC: '''Star Trek jokes. Always wins over an entire class. '''NC (vo): '''We then see his teacher, Homer Simpson, no really, that's his voice actor, Dan Castellaneta... '''NC: (rolls toungue) ''Rrrrrandom... '''NC (vo): '...is not happy with his future goals. Young Reed: I want to be the first person in human history to teleport himself. It's already possible to transport quantum information from one location to another. Reed's Teacher: Even if you could build the thing- Young Reed: I've already built it. NC: ''(Immitating Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory) I am also working on a fool-proof way to keep Dee-Dee out of my room! '''Reed's Teacher: '''The assignment was to pick a '''real '''career in the '''real '''world. '''NC (vo): '''(Immitating Homer Simpson) ''Why can't you be a nuclear safety engineer? Or an astronaut? Or mayor? Or a country singer manager? I can keep going. 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